Dear unappreciated,

Dear Nerdy Novice,

I’m so glad I came across this blog! I can use some advice really bad. My boyfriend and I live together. We have a 4 yr old daughter and I do everything and all he does is sit on that stupid PlayStation of his! I’m so frustrated I want to scream! He doesn’t even seem to appreciate anything I do! I make his dinner, cater to his friends, and take care of our daughter. I love him I really do! I am just so overwhelmed and don’t know how to approach it without starting a fight. I’ve asked my friends and all I get is LEAVE HIM or STOP DOING IT! Those are not options to me!!! Please don’t tell me to do those things, Help please!!!

Sincerely,

Katy M.

Dear Unappreciated,

I would never tell anyone to give up so easily on a relationship. As it is, too many people walk away too fast without truly trying to work towards a good relationship. All relationships take hard work and if you love someone you are willing to put that work in. I commend you for reaching out and wanting to work for your relationship.  Communication is key! But also one of the hardest things for some people. For our other readers: How often do you feel under-appreciated in a relationship? You cook, clean, go to work, take care of the kids, take the kids places or even do something small for your partner and you just don’t feel they see all the things you do in the relationship and for them? (male or female) If you are feeling this way, maybe your partner feels this way as well. But what if some things we do are the things that are truly appreciated and we don’t even know our partners appreciate them?

Unappreciated, try an appreciation box, so you both can see the things that each other appreciate about each other, or maybe it can help your partner see all the things they may take for granted! It seems easy at first… but wait a bit and even you will find this to be tough! But it really makes couples see the other!

Find 2 boxes or even get a couple bags… grab some paper and a pen! Put these things together either in the kitchen or a common area… you and your partner set who’s box/bag is who’s… maybe tie a ribbon on one or make them different colors. Throughout the day, starting in the am, tear off a piece of paper and write something that you appreciate about your partner and place it in that partners box/bag. If you or your partner leave during the day take it with you! Have at least 10 pieces of paper by the time bedtime comes around. Then sit together and read them.

In the beginning, your partner may not catch everything you do. Do not get discouraged. You probably didn’t catch everything either! But the real catch here is if you repeat something the next day you also have to add something new on the same paper. After a few days, you will eventually run out of things to say… this will make each partner truly look deeper at the other!

We can appreciate many things. Maybe it’s a smile first thing in the morning or that someone made the coffee. You can add your own rules. Maybe make less papers or add a neutral feelings box! (Highly recommended) This box will stay at home and you both will add to it! Always start the note with “I feel (add an emotion)”. For example, “I feel tired. I feel I run too much in the evenings and would love help some days getting the kids to their activities”. Or “I feel frustrated. I feel frustrated because when I get home from work I really need some down time before doing anything else”. NEVER use the word “you”! This will make you think very hard on how to word your thoughts and feelings without placing blame and putting your partner on a defensive thought process. This is called “I you” language. Say what you need without blaming the other party. If I said to you “You never do anything” you will automatically shut down and get defensive. But if I reworded it saying “I feel like I could really use some help” it is received better. (It’s like that saying honey attracts better than vinegar). Another example “ I feel sad. I feel sad that we never watch tv together anymore. Maybe we can find a couple nights to do this together”. Always give a solution that would make the situation better. This will help you and your partner know what the other needs. It will also help each person look closely at each other’s feelings and help communicate them to the other. Maybe for your situation, start with “I feel frustrated and overwhelmed. I feel frustrated and overwhelmed because I don’t feel appreciated for all I do. It would really help me feel better to hear that I am appreciated. I feel overwhelmed and I feel it would really help if we could take turns making dinner or giving our daughter baths during the week”. I hope this helps! I wish you the best of luck and would love to hear how this goes for you!! Till next time, love and light always and good vibes to all!

Dear Nerdy Novice!

I have been contemplating on adding advice posts. I want people to feel free to open up and ask whatever their little curious hearts desire. Meanwhile, I can try to reply to each weekly, or as they come in. As a psychology major I would love to use my degree to help people. Questions can be sent to nerdynoviceadvice@gmail.com. We shall see how this goes and where it may lead! Always looking for new adventures! I have been told by a multitude of people over the years I should be doing this, so I am all about giving it a whirl! Never worry about judgement from me as I am a huge believer in we are not here to make judgments, but to lend a hand to all that need because we have all been in that “need” place before. ❤️please note if asked something I’m not familiar with, I will take the time to educate myself on the matter before answering… this may take some time so please be patient so I can give the best advice possible! Till next time, love and light always and good vibes to all!

Talking to your spouse or loved ones, be heard not shut out!!

It’s been a long day and you are tired, the kids are rowdy, your patience are running thin, and your significant other is being less than helpful lol sound familiar at all? Are there times that you and your significant other argue and it just becomes a blame fest? We have all heard the phrase “Men are from mars and women are from Venus” lol we all have a different way of saying and understanding things. I have found the “I” “you” language to be VERY helpful when used respectfully and properly 🙂 it can also be very helpful with children!! At the bottom is a site that explains what this language is and how it can be used in a healthy way! An example from me would be: I am very stressed and my teen is not listening to me. I’m frustrated and mad!! My voice is elevated… “You NEVER listen to me!!! You just ignore me!!”. In turn my teen would get mad and yell something like “YOU always tell me things when I’m right in the middle of something!!!”. She becomes defensive! BUT… if I would have taken a deep breath and said in a level voice while getting her to look at me “I feel I’m being ignored and I feel upset because I think you are not listening to me.” She in return will not feel attacked and will be more receptive to what I am saying 😀 same goes for you the reader… If I contacted you and said “YOU didn’t even read my blog, did you?” WOW, I bet you would get upset and have some choice words for me like “oh hell no she just didn’t!!”haha and you would be responding ready for a fight!! But, if I said “I feel you may have misunderstood what I was saying in my blog, I’m sorry I don’t think I was very clear and I could have said that a lot better” or “I feel our opinions may differ but that is what makes us awesome!” You would not feel like I was attacking you and you would not become defensive or as defensive anyway. You will also be more open to listen to me and not just shut me out. When using the word “you” it implies blame. You did, you are, you just, and people stop listening because they are tired of feeling like they are being blamed or everything is their fault. Not that we are placing blame, that is just how it is perceived.

This way of speaking has gotten me through so much in my life. Being in an abusive marriage I had to tread lightly and this technique helped soften the atmosphere many nights!! Hope you can put it to some use!! http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/i-messages